The Fan Club
by pixiedust8831
Summary: The aliens aboard the Normandy find a surprising figure in Earth's history and the adoration begins. masseffectkink prompt


A/N: Ok, I love Mass Effect, but I've never tried to write it. I picked up the idea for this story from masseffectkink and I couldn't let it be. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved writing, it's been months (more likely years) since I posted anything. I decided on something crackish to get the juices flowing. This was the original prompt:

_Ok, so with all the Chuck Norris memes out there. I got to thinking what if the aliens of the Normandy find out and think that they're legit? Cue the Chuck Norris Fan Club. _

_Bonus points for:_  
_-Wrex lamenting that he never got to face such a great warrior in combat. _  
_-Garrus trying and failing to preform a roundhouse kick._  
_-Grunt dressing up as Walker Texas Ranger. _  
_-Shepard walks in on this and is like DAFUQ O.o_  
_-Would prefer Fem!Shep but M!Shep in fine._  
_Please make me laugh Anons._

I don't think I quite got Wrex lamenting, but oh well.

* * *

**_The Fan Club_**

"So, what's going on guys?"

Tali, wide-eyed, watched her teammates. An overly excited Garrus had called down her and Liara to the Lounge. Not sure what to expect, she and Liara eyed each other nervously. Wrex and Garrus were standing close to one another, reading each other's omni-tools, laughing loudly at intervals and every time they did Grunt would look up from his spot on the floor and demand they share.

Liara frowned as she spoke, "What's going on with you three?"

Wrex looked up with a grin,

"I've finally found him; an opponent worthy enough to challenge the name Urdnot. It will be glorious!"

"Who?" Liara asked as she tried to get a closer look at their omni-tools.

"Earth's mightiest warrior; the unbeatable, infallible, unconquerable Chuck Norris."

"Chuck Norris?" Tali struggled around the syllables.

Garrus nodded excitedly, "You should hear some of the things this human's done. His achievements are amazing. Here listen to this:

'Chuck Norris round house kicks are an optical illusion. His foot doesn't swing around to hit you in your head, his left foot spins the earth so that your head hits his foot.'

Tali and Liara looked at Garrus, clearly confused.

"What's a round house kick?"

"It's amazing," Garrus gushed, "Listen to everything he can do with it."

"Chuck Norris can do a round house kick faster than the speed of light, you will dead before the light turns on."

"And this one!" said Wrex, "Chuck Norris round house kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space time continuum."

Tali frowned, "That's ridiculous!"

Grunt's eyes shot wide open, "Don't say that! He'll hear you, he knows!" he looked like he was trying to find something to hide under. Liara rolled her eyes and Garrus took the opportunity to show off a round house kick.

"It goes like this; Watch carefully, but stand back." Smugly, Garrus stepped to the center of the room. Knees bent, he took a breath, exhaled and launched himself in the air, throwing a leg out as best he could. About one third of the way through the move the rest of them realized he overshot it and started chuckling as Garrus' limbs flailed. He landed on his backside with a loud groan.

"HA-HA-HA!" Wrex's laughter boomed across the room. Grunt grinned and just went back to what he was doing sprawled out on the floor. Tali watched him for a moment, curious about the project he seemed to have scattered around and walked over to get a better look.

"What are you doing?" Grunt grabbed the long piece of paper up and held it open for her to see. "The Chuck Norris Fan Club." She read aloud.

"I used all the red crayons," Grunt said proudly, "He seems to like the colour of blood, just like the Krogan!"

Before Tali could do more than shake her head, Joker's voice sounded over the comm.

_.:Hey Grunt? Shepard just got back from the Citadel. She says she has a package addressed to you:._

Grunt leapt off the floor and ran for the elevator. Liara, who had been browsing her omni-tool, looked up at Wrex.

"I hate to break it to you, Wrex, but Chuck Norris appears to have died several hundred years ago…"

Wrex shot over to her, "What? What are you talking about? Death's got nothing on him, listen to this 'Most people fear the Reaper; Chuck Norris considers him a promising rookie.' He would've just round house kicked Death in the face and-"

"Look! Look! My Walker Texas Ranger outfit came in!" Grunt said as he burst back into the room. Everyone's mouth dropped. Garrus and Wrex fell over laughing as Grunt paraded around the room in his new clothes. Liara looked away, her lips pressed tight together and Tali shrieked, covering her eyes with her hands.

"What's wrong?" Grunt was clearly confused.

Shepard took that moment to walk in. She froze, taking note of her surroundings; an embarrassed Tali and Liara, Garrus and Wrex doubled over laughing, and a confused Grunt. She also took note of the banner lying on the floor. Taking a breath, her initial look of shock and surprise faded into a cool and calm one. Her voice, however, was tight when she spoke.

"Grunt… I'm not sure if Chuck Norris ever wore ass-less chaps, but if he did, I'm pretty sure they had something else underneath them."

Shepard turned on her heel and left, the door closing behind her. Grunt looked down with a small

"Oh."

* * *

Well? How rusty am I? XD I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully the next break won't be quite so long.


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